HolyUnderAge Sluts Batman!

Perhaps you remember a while back a story running in the British tabloids about a baby-faced 13-year old boy named Alfie Patten. Little Alfie was supposed to be the father of brand spanking new baby birthed by his 15-year old girlfriend Chantelle.

Possessing an unnaturally youthful face, innocent-looking Alfie became the poster child for the woes of teen pregnancy. I remember being shocked that someone who looks barely a year older than my five-year old could have not only engaged in adult activities, but was even physically mature enough to impregnate his significantly more mature girlfriend.

Well I have good news folks, Alfie’s not the daddy. Bad news, this is NOT the outcome the little guy had hoped for. Alfie had cheerfully stepped up to the plate to take on the important role of father to Maisie, the little girl he thought was his daughter. Here’s more on the tawdry and sad story:

A DNA test showed a 13-year-old boy in Britain is not the father of a baby born to a 15-year-old he had unprotected sex with once, The Mirror reported.

Chantelle Stedman told Alfie Patten, who was 12 when he slept with her, he was her newborn daughter Maisie’s father.

The story caused a worldwide media frenzy, while politicians criticized what they called Britain’s declining morals.

At first Stedman said Patten was the only boy she had ever slept with, but soon after other teens came forward saying they too could be the baby’s father, because they claimed to have had sex with the girl.

Last month a friend of the Stedman family claimed Patten was scammed by the girl’s parents who wanted to cash in on the sensational story.

It is still not clear who the baby’s father is.

The parents of Chantelle get a capital C for CLASSY. Yep, this is what you call a smooth move by a couple of grade A asswipes. It’s not bad enough your 15-year old daughter is pregnant and so disturbingly promiscuous she doesn’t have a farkling clue WHO the father is, but you then go and compound the situation by bringing an innocent boy and the media into it simply for a little scratch.

Well Stedmans, great job, you have really outdone yourselves in the rotten douchebags department. I sure hope Alfie and his family don’t sue the hell out of you (re: I HOPE THEY SUE YOU, YOU GREEDY BASTARDS).

Alfie, take some advice from me: dry your eyes, blow your nose and cut your losses. You dodged one seriously UGLY bullet right there. Now, go outside and play some soccer or whatever it is little boys in the UK do besides having sex with sketchy older girls.

Source: D

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We try not to acknowledge fame drop-out Jessica Simpson too often, it merely encourages her, and honestly, encouragement is the LAST thing she needs. But alas, sometimes Jess’ ability to draw unwanted attention to herself goes above and beyond, and even we can’t look the other way.

So, what did Jessica Simpson do besides wear that unfortunate ensemble, which also included a pair of “mom” jeans? Well, she spouted off at the mouth about her equally moronic boyfriend, Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo, whose career has taken a nosedive since she came into his life. Like we’ve said before, Jessica is an albatross, a bad omen, a curse upon the land. Oh, and she’s now relegated to singing at chili cookoffs (to be fair, there were 30,000 people there).

First the ensemble. Jessica is a pretty girl, there’s no doubt, but she’s also what Judd Nelson as John Bender from the great film The Breakfast Club would call a “Claire.” When Claire (played by the original firecrotch, Molly Ringwald) says, “I’m not fat,” Bender explains, “Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I’m not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there’s fat people that were born to be fat, and there’s fat people that were once thin but became fat… so when you look at ‘em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you’re gonna get married, you’re gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh…”

Yeah, so that describes Jessica, and I have found through empirical research that the more she blabs about her current love interest (for now, Tony Romo) the fatter she gets. Now, I have no problem if Jessica Simpson wants to be all puffy and bloated, that’s her business. But if she is going to get up on stage and sing at a chili cookoff wearing that redonkulous outfit, well then it becomes MY business.

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I thought I was alone in my observations of this recent phenomenon called the Snuggie. The juxtaposition of something as comforting as a warm fleece blanket with that of a shrill, harsh and relentlessly obnoxious female voice is enough to stir the most primordial instincts in one’s soul. Then I discovered, the above video and all became clear, The Snuggie is an EVIL cult. The secret was revealed by the crazies at Jezebel (via Gizmodo).

A blanket with sleeves seems like a great idea in theory, sort of like a money-extorting cult born from a bad sci-fi story, but then reality strikes, and the next thing you know, you have whole families tripping, catching on fire and reclining in luxuriant pleasure avoiding the real world while they immerse themselves in the cult of Snuggie.

Don’t do it people, seriously, nothing good can come from this. It’s a dangerous, false reality which will end with you spending all your money on a product which never really delivers on its promises. Plus, you will look like some kind of devil-worshipping Satanist.

You’ve been warned.

Source: D

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I seriously spit out my tea when I read this story.  No, really.  I’m typing really fast because I’m sure my laptop is going to short out any second from my Darjeeling spray.

After a Golden Globes party (btw, he and Santa Angelina totally blew off Ryan Seacrest before the show, because they were in such a hurry to get inside and get the humiliation over with), Bradley was called names and had his little state trooper stache mocked by a woman who had clearly imbibed too much (but who’s eyesight and taste was obviously unaffected):

The Hollywood hunk, who has umpteen best looking man in the world titles to his name, was at HBO’s party after the Golden Globes when he was confronted by the cheeky woman.

A source at the Beverly Hills Hilton said: ‘Brad was enjoying a cocktail and chatting with friends at party when this woman, who was clearly drunk, approached him. She went on and on about how the aging make-up in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button made him look ‘ugly as a dog’.’

In the movie, Brad plays a man who ages backwards, and spends much of the film with prosthetics on his face to make him look older.

The source continued: ‘Brad listened politely and explained that the make-up was essential to telling the story properly. The woman finally piped down for a moment, then looked closely at Brad’s face.

‘She then said, ‘And you should definitely shave that goatee because it looks just horrible’, before marching off. Brad’s buddies cracked up laughing.’

What do you say to that except give that woman a medal!

Yeah yeah yeah…I get it, he had to wear special makeup and stuff on his face for his latest movie because of the whole aging thing, whatevs.  This is not a super attractive man, folks, I don’t care what any of you think.  If this is your thing, great.  More power to you.  I prefer my men to look like men, not like sissymary little pretty boys who look like they would spend more time in the bathroom getting ready and using more product to do it than I would.

And I’m sorry…the stache has to go.  He looks like he ought to be asking you for your license and registration.

Source: k

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I seriously spit out my tea when I read this story.  No, really.  I’m typing really fast because I’m sure my laptop is going to short out any second from my Darjeeling spray.

After a Golden Globes party (btw, he and Santa Angelina totally blew off Ryan Seacrest before the show because they were in such a hurry to get inside and get the humiliation over with), Bradley was called names and had his little state trooper stache mocked by a woman who had clearly imbibed too much (but whose eyesight and taste was obviously unaffected):

The Hollywood hunk, who has umpteen best looking man in the world titles to his name, was at HBO’s party after the Golden Globes when he was confronted by the cheeky woman.

A source at the Beverly Hills Hilton said: ‘Brad was enjoying a cocktail and chatting with friends at party when this woman, who was clearly drunk, approached him. She went on and on about how the aging make-up in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button made him look ‘ugly as a dog’.’

In the movie, Brad plays a man who ages backwards, and spends much of the film with prosthetics on his face to make him look older.

The source continued: ‘Brad listened politely and explained that the make-up was essential to telling the story properly. The woman finally piped down for a moment, then looked closely at Brad’s face.

‘She then said, ‘And you should definitely shave that goatee because it looks just horrible’, before marching off. Brad’s buddies cracked up laughing.’

What do you say to that except give that woman a medal!

Yeah yeah yeah…I get it, he had to wear special makeup and stuff on his face for his latest movie because of the whole aging thing, whatevs.  This is not a super attractive man, folks, I don’t care what any of you think.  If this is your thing, great.  More power to you.  I prefer my men to look like men, not like sissymary little pretty boys who look like they would spend more time in the bathroom getting ready and using more product to do it than I would.

And I’m sorry…the stache has to go.  He looks like he ought to be asking you for your license and registration.

Source: k

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I seriously spit out my tea when I read this story.  No, really.  I’m typing really fast because I’m sure my laptop is going to short out any second from my Darjeeling spray.

After a Golden Globes party (btw, he and Santa Angelina totally blew off Ryan Seacrest before the show because they were in such a hurry to get inside and get the humiliation over with), Bradley was called names and had his little state trooper stache mocked by a woman who had clearly imbibed too much (but whose eyesight and taste was obviously unaffected):

The Hollywood hunk, who has umpteen best looking man in the world titles to his name, was at HBO’s party after the Golden Globes when he was confronted by the cheeky woman.

A source at the Beverly Hills Hilton said: ‘Brad was enjoying a cocktail and chatting with friends at party when this woman, who was clearly drunk, approached him. She went on and on about how the aging make-up in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button made him look ‘ugly as a dog’.’

In the movie, Brad plays a man who ages backwards, and spends much of the film with prosthetics on his face to make him look older.

The source continued: ‘Brad listened politely and explained that the make-up was essential to telling the story properly. The woman finally piped down for a moment, then looked closely at Brad’s face.

‘She then said, ‘And you should definitely shave that goatee because it looks just horrible’, before marching off. Brad’s buddies cracked up laughing.’

What do you say to that except give that woman a medal!

Yeah yeah yeah…I get it, he had to wear special makeup and stuff on his face for his latest movie because of the whole aging thing, whatevs.  This is not a super attractive man, folks, I don’t care what any of you think.  If this is your thing, great.  More power to you.  I prefer my men to look like men, not like sissymary little pretty boys who look like they would spend more time in the bathroom getting ready and using more product to do it than I would.

And I’m sorry…the stache has to go.  He looks like he ought to be asking you for your license and registration.

Source: k

Comments(0)

I seriously spit out my tea when I read this story.  No, really.  I’m typing really fast because I’m sure my laptop is going to short out any second from my Darjeeling spray.

After a Golden Globes party (btw, he and Santa Angelina totally blew off Ryan Seacrest before the show because they were in such a hurry to get inside and get the humiliation over with), Bradley was called names and had his little state trooper stache mocked by a woman who had clearly imbibed too much (but whose eyesight and taste was obviously unaffected):

The Hollywood hunk, who has umpteen best looking man in the world titles to his name, was at HBO’s party after the Golden Globes when he was confronted by the cheeky woman.

A source at the Beverly Hills Hilton said: ‘Brad was enjoying a cocktail and chatting with friends at party when this woman, who was clearly drunk, approached him. She went on and on about how the aging make-up in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button made him look ‘ugly as a dog’.’

In the movie, Brad plays a man who ages backwards, and spends much of the film with prosthetics on his face to make him look older.

The source continued: ‘Brad listened politely and explained that the make-up was essential to telling the story properly. The woman finally piped down for a moment, then looked closely at Brad’s face.

‘She then said, ‘And you should definitely shave that goatee because it looks just horrible’, before marching off. Brad’s buddies cracked up laughing.’

What do you say to that except give that woman a medal!

Yeah yeah yeah…I get it, he had to wear special makeup and stuff on his face for his latest movie because of the whole aging thing, whatevs.  This is not a super attractive man, folks, I don’t care what any of you think.  If this is your thing, great.  More power to you.  I prefer my men to look like men, not like sissymary little pretty boys who look like they would spend more time in the bathroom getting ready and using more product to do it than I would.

And I’m sorry…the stache has to go.  He looks like he ought to be asking you for your license and registration.

Source: k

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