July has been an agonizing month here on Planet Celebrity. So many deaths, so much weirdness — it’s all too much to digest. Thankfully we have the growing consistency of douchery from Jon Gosselin, absent father to eight young children, to help us find stable ground in which to catch our breath.

Just last week we discussed Jon’s recent foray into the single world, when he decided to risk what’s left of penis with 22-year old professional attention whore, Hailey Glassman. On the heels of that debacle, there comes allegations he’s been dipping into the tabloid cess-pool, and stepping out with a Star Magazine reporter, whose since quit her job due to “conflicts of interest.”

But none of that comes close to his recent gutter-dwelling move, which has Jon revealing to the entire world, which includes SICKOS and PERVERTS, that his wife may be hiding over $100,000 in the family home.

Holy breakins and home invasions! What the hell would possess a supposed caring and nurturing father to divulge this information (true or not) to the public at large? I may not have a degree in propulsion engineering, but I know a dumbass when I see one. A criminally negligent one at that!

Here’s the breakdown from the latest f-tard move from the “paternal” Gosselin, after a new report from Life and Style magazine. From Just Jared:

Since splitting from wife Kate, Jon’s been pretty open with his money. “Kate controlled the money for the longest time in their relationship,” a close friend of Jon’s tells Life & Style. “Now I don’t think he’s worried about money at all. He’s taking a bunch of us to Las Vegas at the end of August. It’s going to be wild!”

Jon is also convinced Kate is hiding major sums of cash from him — and he’s determined to find it. “Jon is sure Kate’s keeping money from him, more than a million dollars,” an insider reveals. “He thinks some of the money she’s made from her books and tours has been put someplace where he can’t access it. Jon says he found out Kate had been hiding about $100,000 in cash in the house…. It’s turned into an all-out war over money. Jon says Kate’s books and speaking engagements were based on their children and their relationship, so he rightfully deserves a cut.”

Um, no he doesn’t. There are a lot of things Jon deserves, (like a swift boot to the nards) but money from Kate’s books and her speaking engagements ISN’T one of them.

It’s painful to have to defend Kate Gosselin, because surely if anyone is a C U next Tuesday, it’s her, but when your douchery starts spilling over on to your kids, then that’s when it’s time to call a d-bag a d-bag.

Nothing like advertising your wife is hiding $100,000 in your family home to bring out the law-breakers. These days, people will bust your cap for the quarters in your ashtray, so it’s probably a good idea to keep your friggin’ mouth shut about where your money is, especially if you have 8 defenseless kids and rabid possum in your crib.

On a sidenote, Kate gets major props for keeping her piehole shut throughout this entire tabloid frenzy. You and I both know, Kate goes home, screams into her pillow and has sweaty, fretful dreams of kicking Jon’s silly ass 15 ways to Sunday when she reads this crap. Kate deserves a good lay and some cold Bartles and Jaymes for keeping it together recently!

Hell, even I dream of twisting Jon’s sack until it turns purple.

Source: D