Enquirer Says Brad And Angelina Have Officially Split — As IF
Mr. and Mrs. Smug
Feel free to file this under COMPLETE AND UTTER FABRICATED BULLSH*T, but we’ll play along just for fun.
According to the National Enquirer, who, like a blind squirrel, occasionally get a nut, the golden couple of Hollyweird have “officially” split. It’s all over but the crying (or in my case, the laughing until I piss myself.) Here’s more from the veracity-filled horses’ mouth:
After months of behind-the-scenes battles, it’s finally over between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Hollywood’s most glamorous power couple - who never married despite having six children - have grown tired of trying to gloss over their problems following five tumultuous years together, say sources.
Brad and Angelina are going their separate ways with the hope of reuniting in the future if they can repair their volatile relationship, disclosed an insider.
“They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family.
“It’s an official split.”
If the strong-willed couple can’t find a way to get back together, sources say the breakup could turn into an ugly court battle over their $200 million fortune and the custody of their six children.
The deciding moment for the pair came when they had strained words with each other while in Cannes, France, for the screening of Brad’s new movie Inglourious Basterds.
They put on a romantic show in front of the media, but Angie, 34, and Brad, 45, become frosty as soon as the spotlight was off, say friends.
A jealous Angelina was said to be incensed over the attention Brad was getting from other women, having argued recently over Brad’s continued contact with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston.
“Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he’ll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split,” disclosed the insider.
As amusing as it would be to see those two smug-sacks filled with misery over their happy home being busted up, the truth is, this whole story reads like a libel loopholed mess. From the “jealous” Angelina to Brad’s supposed contact with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, there’s nothing worth believing. But, let’s pretend it’s true.
First off, since the two have never been married and therefore have nothing legally binding them, why on earth would they have to divide their $200 million dollar fortune? I’d actually be interested in knowing how they enter into these lease agreements they have on the various places they rent all around the world, as well as, where the supposed “charitable donations” they’ve given from having their own child army photographed has gone.
Two things you need to consider when speculating about Brad and Angelina and their effed up relationship: Angelina is a media control freak and Brad has the intelligence of a starfish. A pink starfish that lives under a rock to be exact. So there’s very little chance that Angelina’s going to allow a cheesy media outlet like the National Enquirer break the news of her split with her baby-daddy.
But rest assured, some day, these two buttplugs will split and when they do, it will be a free for all orgasmpalooza for the tabloids. And yes, we will be front and center, with buttered popcorn, ready to relish in all it’s delightful and well-deserved karmic goodness.
Nice try NE, but this gets a big fat F for fail.
Source: D
