WHORE PIT VIPERS!!!

When the Apprentice first aired, I was mildly interested and watched it for a while. I liked the challenge of putting myself in the contestant shoes and would try to figure out my plan of assault on the tasks given by “The Donald”.  *cringe* We’ll get to him later.

I lost interest in the show, when it turned into Celebrity Apprentice. In the beginning, I thought “Oh! this will be interesting!” But eh, it wasn’t. It was more about what celebrity had the best connections or BFF’s who can contribute the most money. The celebrities were often paired with Olympic gold medal winners or sports figures, and just recently, a champion poker player. And although these people may be well know in their own circles, they didn’t possess the networking connections that some of the stars had, and so I though the whole thing was kind of dumb. 

A perfect example was during last season’s show, when Stephen Baldwin called his bro Alec to come down and fork over a few thou for Stephen’s team. Where’s the competition and sportsmanship in that? I preferred it when the regular people had to duke it out and not be able to pick up a phone for help. It made the challenge much harder to achieve, and of course, most didn’t have the egos that these stars have — with the exception of the still un-famous (or should I say infamous) Omarosa. Ick!

“Celebrity Apprentice” turned the show into nothing more than a ”PR for the star” show, with one redeeming quality of a charity benefiting in the end from the winner.

NBC has signed “The Apprentice” for another season starting next spring, and I won’t be tuning in then either. But there one was thing that happened during this season’s “Celebrity Apprentice” which really peaked my interest. I caught a clip on E! Online of  this season’s star contestants, Melissa Rivers (who I always felt looked like the love child of Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, no offense Steven) AND her Siamese-twin mom Joan Rivers having total hissy fits.

The women were became incensed when Melissa was fired by the Donald. I have to admit, I find so much enjoyment out of watching a good train wreck every now and then. It always makes me feel better about me and my own family.
Especially when it involves two people that already make my skin crawl.  So I watched the whole four minute clip and it was without a doubt, four minutes of some of the best  “Bitchdom” I have seen in a while.

Melissa turned into a giant BITCH BALL. (a lovely term my family uses on me when I am being…well…a bitch ball) And, not surprisingly, Joan didn’t fair any better. Now, this is going to get ugly, so if you are “Rivers” fans, you may want to leave. Buh-bye!

The mother-daughter duo from hell obviously agreed to be on the show together. Natch, because everyone knows they are welded at the hip. Initially, I was surprised Joan could tear herself away from QVC, where she is the queen of hawking her overpriced gawd-awful JUNK jewelry, sunglasses, handbags AND makeup. Every time I am flipping through the channels, there’s Joan telling Juanita in Oklahoma how stunning she will look in her “On Tend Must Have Tailored Strap Watch”.

So why would Joan agree to be on “Celebrity Apprentice” and miss those golden opportunities to whore herself on QVC?  Free promotion of course!!

Joan has a line of jewelry, appropriately titled ” Board Room Collection” to hock and what better place to hock it.  QVC ’s website shamelessly lists the air times for “Celebrity Apprentice” and you can also vote on which necklace Joan should wear on the show! I kid you not.

PA-LEASE PEOPLE GET A LIFE! 

So there’s that PR I was telling you about. After all, doesn’t 
everyone want to wear giant plastic hoops with rhinestones to a board meeting? (And if anyone reading this buys anything from the Board Room Collection, I want 10%  Joan…hey! it only fair! )

I remember way back when Joan and Melissa used to do the commentary from the red carpet. I unfortunately caught an episode once, and it was one of the most sickening displays of nepotism that I have ever had the displeasure of seeing.  They would trash what stars were wearing, and Melissa would be embarrassed to death by her mother’s babbling. Especially after Mumsy had a few nips.  I found it hysterical that these beeyotches had the audacity to poo poo what people where wearing, especially when they don’t have a lick of fashion sense themselves. 

And I am sure over the years, I am not the only one who has noticed that both of their faces have morphed into scary leprechauns with stiff smiles.  Careful ladies, don’t smile too hard, you may just pop a stitch! Joan’s doctor must be one crazy wealthy man with a swimming pool full of botox! Everybody in the pool!

I know Joan jokes about all the face lifts shes had, which IMO has definitely become an addiction, but one more face-lift for her, and she will be sporting her  “hoo-ha” as a goatee on her chin. 

So, back to the hissyfits.

Upon getting canned by “the Donald,” Melissa jumped up, ran out of the board room and told the camera folks in no uncertain terms, there’d be no post-firing interviews. She stated this several times, so many in fact, it probably consituted a post-firing interview.

With all the temerity, brattiness and self-entitlement ever witnessed since MTV’s My Sweet Sixteen., Melissa was virtually this close to birthing a calf. And of course, after seeing how upset poor, wittle Melissa was, Momma Bear Joan sprung into action. Joan, in true Hollywood style, puts on her BIG FUR TRIMMED coat. *blech*  and tells celebrity contestants Jesse James and Clint Black :

“I’m NOT coming in tomorrow. You are left working with a Nazi and a follower.  Good luck!”

A Nazi huh? Exaggerate much Joan?

Hey Joan, you willingly signed up for this show to make some money for your CHARITY. Remember? What about your other teammates Joan? Melissa wasn’t even on her team!  Talk about somebody not knowing when to cut the apron strings. Egads!

Joan then adds this gem:

“Forty-three-year career! I don’t work with scum!”

Considering she worked in Hollyweird for those 43 years, I find that statement a bit incredulous. Hollywood’s just one shimmering pond of scum from what I can tell.

Melissa in the meantime, is running around like it’s the worst day of her pampered life and calls the other two gal contestants, champion poker player Annie Duke, and Playboy Playmate Brande Roderick  “pit viper whores.” What? Pit Viper Whores?  A classic for sure!

All this fuss over getting fired from a REALITY show, which SHE agreed to be a part of.
 
Joan wags her finger and tells Annie Duke as she walks in the door,  ”You are a piece of shit?” And then tells Brande Roderick “and you are a stupid blonde“.   

Newsflash Joan, you have blonde hair. I thought only NON-blondes could call blondes “stupid blondes”? Well that’s my rule anyway. Not content with those zingers, Joan precedes to berate Annie with the most condescending bitchiness:

“You’re a POKER player, a POKER player! That’s beyond white trash. Your people give money with blood on it. Poker players are trash darling, TRASH”! 

Another thing JOAN, I bet all your customers over at QVC wouldn’t be too pleased to hear all this white trash talk?
You know JOAN, your customers?  The ones that wear Quacker Factory fiber optic glow in the dark butterfly sweaters, (this an actual sweater they sell) and maxing out their credit cards to buy one of your $165 strawberry pins?

So careful Joan, don’t bite the hand that feeds you! Oops, too late.

Now I don’t want to get a bunch of nasty comments from “Quackers” (what the people who proudly wear shop there refer to themselves). I was just using that brand as an example.  Ah hell, I don’t care, if you have the balls to wear any of this glittery polyester mess go ahead, scratch away!

Joan’s wrath continued and THEN she had the nerve to remind Brande that it’s NOT only about the money:

“I don’t want to hear anything about this charity nonsense“. 

Uh, earth to Joan!  It’s not about the money?  Will someone please cue up the show’s theme song “For the Love of Money” for this nutcase? I swear, you can’t make this crap up.

Oh and bratty Melissa, who states she is “not coming back” and ”f*ck everyone” amongst other sweet and lighthearted chatter.

It’s worth it just to see Melissa swearing and ordering people around like she is the Queen of England and hopping down the hallway to the elevator with a high heel on one foot and big foot boot on the other. Oh the hilarity!

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly despise these two women any more,  they go and prove me wrong.

Joan and Melissa must be SO proud of themselves.  Showing people on national television, that playing for a charity is not all about the money, and letting the world know that they think everyone is beneath them.  Nice career moves gals!

Joan better get the sweat shop going on some extra bee pins, and Melissa go back to whatever you were doing. What is that again?

Of course this article would not be complete, unless I mentioned The Donald. I was never a fan to say the least, and I find him to be quite over bearing, creepy and just plain all around despicable. He will EVER be forgiven for giving us Omarosa, or that wretched comb-over which always looks like it’s trying to crawl off his head.

If this is the caliber of talent and classless behavior we can expect to see on Celebrity Apprentice which is supposed to benefit charities, will anyone be sad to see this show gone? Maybe they should change the name to “The Biggest Loser” (or sore loser for that matter.)

Oh wait, scratch that, that show already exists, and those people have class!

Source: Queen