There’s a very good reason celebs don’t, and more IMPORTANTLY, shouldn’t date non-famous people. Especially non-famous, immature, thumb-sucking douchebags with dumb names like Riley Giles: non-famous people have nothing to lose and will they sell you out.

Lindsay Lohan has been absent from the hallowed pages of Glosslip lately. My strict personal code of ethics forces me to leave out otherwise likely celeb candidates from my sardonic wit while they seek to recover from their addictive antics, but in this case, since I am defending the honor of our little Lindsay, it’s ok.

Lindsay’s rehab boyfriend (sort of like a rebound boyfriend, but lamer) Riley Giles has wasted no time in making a quick buck by selling, not just his tawdry story of Lindsay’s “sexual” addiction, but also personal photos he took while they dated.

The two met while Lindsay sought treatment at rehab facility Cirque Lodge in Utah. Riley was there seeking treatment for drug addiction, and Lindsay entered the program after her much publicized arrest for DUI, and possession of cocaine in July. This was Lindsay’s second arrest in less than two months and her situation was becoming very grim.

Riley, showing vasts amounts of class and personal decorum, sold his story to News Of The World, wherein he described Lindsay trading her drug and alcohol addiction for a sex addiction. In reality it sounded more like a pathetic junior high turd bragging to his friends about his manhood, when in reality he probably failed to maintain an erection and finished the race too early. If you must read second-rate fiction, his cheesy story is here.

Now it seems, Riley wants to cash in on some photos he took while they dated (for like 1 whole month, WOW!), and as he crosses his fingers hoping Lindsay doesn’t sue his gutter-dwelling ass, Riley gets to enjoy his extended and undeserved 15 minutes of fame.

Let this be a lesson to you celebs, don’t date commoners. Commoners aren’t mentally equipped to handle fame and will sell you out 9 out of 10 times. See, they have nothing to lose, whereas you famous person, do. You have your reputation, your fragile and precarious privacy and ultimately your dignity.

Lindsay, one last pear of wisdom I wish to bestow on you. Unlike many of your peers, you my dear, possess some actual talent. You do not have to cave into your low-self esteem and mistreat your body, mind and soul to find the love and elation you desperately seek. Refocus yourself, and apply your boundless passion for shopping (and maybe sex) to be the best at your craft.

Also, please don’t ever flash your firecrotch again. It makes it difficult to defend you, and honestly, that job is difficult enough.

Source: D